a change in identity
6 March 2021 20:53![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enkitabecause of recent events i've had this whole moment where like, where i've built my identity on over 10+ years has just kind of crumbled? i've never explained it online but i am someone who, like i said for 10+ years, has had this deep connection to a few things:
1) having a strong finno-ugric identity
2) having a huge interest in languages, especially small ones
3) feeling very concerned for language death (like 50% of the world's languages are probably gonna die within the next 100 years) and wanting to preserve them as well as possible
4) fusing these all together and being very interested in AND deeply concerned for small finno-ugric languages, most of which are endangered. akkala sámi language died in 2003 (dead for good) and livonian in 2013 (although there are still speakers as a second or third language)
so this has kind of been super important to me throughout my teenage years. on youtube we had a few people there who were similarly interested, one of them even went to study finnougristics in university. i can't say that i never considered that for myself as well. like, when it came to this language stuff, i really thought i had found THE passion in my life.
so anyways, stuff has happened recently and now i'm just like, i don't give a crap. i don't care about anyone's ethnicity, i don't care if all of the languages in the world except english die out (a thought which would've horrified me in the past). i literally just, i don't care. long story short i had uncomfortable encounters with one of such people who claimed this "small finno-ugric nation" identity and it was so incredibly unpleasant that i (as evil as it sounds) almost kinda wish their half-assed struggle for survival falls on it's fucking face. i know it's coming from anger and vengeance but... in a way i feel like it's justified? it's not like my opinion on the matter actually affects anything after all, so does it really matter what i think? i don't think it does... it's just a thought in my head, which stems from that anger...
but do you realize how effecting this is for my entire identity? every single one of the 4 points have been crumbled basically and now i just don't even have an ethnic identity at all. even if the EU becomes a united states of europe (which i've always opposed in the past) now, i just don't give a crap anymore. why would anyone give a shit about "preserving their culture" or whatever the fuck when you're all just carbon copies of american teens with your jeans and netflix and twitter? good to wake up to it now but you haven't had any culture for decades if you live in the west at least.
so i thought about it a bit and honestly, i don't think that culture is even real. i don't think it's even a real thing that exists. and if it doesn't exist, does it have any value? of course not. so the fuck are trying to preserve, or protect, or revive anything...
honestly this is all coming from the place that i am extremely hurt by the events and something i've built my understanding of my place in this world on has basically just crumbled and i have no idea how to rebuild anything. (maybe i should become one of those EU-minded youth instead lol).
when pifo went on maintenance break (last week of jan), i had the unofficial finno-ugric flag in my profile hahahah. now you can bet the first thing i will do is remove that when the site is back up (march). i kind of want to remove the country flag too which i had had on there. maybe i should replace it with the EU one lol.
i think this whole topic might become my new fma? for context, i used to be a huge fma fan but some bad things happened at that time and every time i hear anything of the series, those bad things are all that come to my mind. so no matter how good the series is, i have not gone back to it not once for nearly 10 years and i don't see so happening in the future either.
and all of this was caused by ONE (1) person btw which probably tells more about me as a person than anything else.
1) having a strong finno-ugric identity
2) having a huge interest in languages, especially small ones
3) feeling very concerned for language death (like 50% of the world's languages are probably gonna die within the next 100 years) and wanting to preserve them as well as possible
4) fusing these all together and being very interested in AND deeply concerned for small finno-ugric languages, most of which are endangered. akkala sámi language died in 2003 (dead for good) and livonian in 2013 (although there are still speakers as a second or third language)
so this has kind of been super important to me throughout my teenage years. on youtube we had a few people there who were similarly interested, one of them even went to study finnougristics in university. i can't say that i never considered that for myself as well. like, when it came to this language stuff, i really thought i had found THE passion in my life.
so anyways, stuff has happened recently and now i'm just like, i don't give a crap. i don't care about anyone's ethnicity, i don't care if all of the languages in the world except english die out (a thought which would've horrified me in the past). i literally just, i don't care. long story short i had uncomfortable encounters with one of such people who claimed this "small finno-ugric nation" identity and it was so incredibly unpleasant that i (as evil as it sounds) almost kinda wish their half-assed struggle for survival falls on it's fucking face. i know it's coming from anger and vengeance but... in a way i feel like it's justified? it's not like my opinion on the matter actually affects anything after all, so does it really matter what i think? i don't think it does... it's just a thought in my head, which stems from that anger...
but do you realize how effecting this is for my entire identity? every single one of the 4 points have been crumbled basically and now i just don't even have an ethnic identity at all. even if the EU becomes a united states of europe (which i've always opposed in the past) now, i just don't give a crap anymore. why would anyone give a shit about "preserving their culture" or whatever the fuck when you're all just carbon copies of american teens with your jeans and netflix and twitter? good to wake up to it now but you haven't had any culture for decades if you live in the west at least.
so i thought about it a bit and honestly, i don't think that culture is even real. i don't think it's even a real thing that exists. and if it doesn't exist, does it have any value? of course not. so the fuck are trying to preserve, or protect, or revive anything...
honestly this is all coming from the place that i am extremely hurt by the events and something i've built my understanding of my place in this world on has basically just crumbled and i have no idea how to rebuild anything. (maybe i should become one of those EU-minded youth instead lol).
when pifo went on maintenance break (last week of jan), i had the unofficial finno-ugric flag in my profile hahahah. now you can bet the first thing i will do is remove that when the site is back up (march). i kind of want to remove the country flag too which i had had on there. maybe i should replace it with the EU one lol.
i think this whole topic might become my new fma? for context, i used to be a huge fma fan but some bad things happened at that time and every time i hear anything of the series, those bad things are all that come to my mind. so no matter how good the series is, i have not gone back to it not once for nearly 10 years and i don't see so happening in the future either.
and all of this was caused by ONE (1) person btw which probably tells more about me as a person than anything else.
